Eating Disorders and the Holidays: How to Support Yourself and Others Struggling.

By McKenzie Wilkins, LCSW

The holidays are quickly approaching and this means two things: a mix of emotions and a plethora of food! It is typically a time of joy, being with family, and building memories. Though, for some, this time of year can be most challenging. Holidays can be especially difficult for those who struggle with disordered eating. What we know about those struggling with disordered eating is that it is not necessarily about wanting or not wanting to eat. It is about fear. Eating disorders are much more complex than a decision. The fear of gaining weight, fear of loss of control and fear of judgment from others can all cause an internal conflict leading to guilt and shame. Imagine being around what evokes fear the strongest (what the holidays are typically focused on): food and people.

Eating disorders develop in different ways and are categorized by different behaviors. Below are some criteria for eating disorders. Please note it is the job of a professional clinician to diagnose a person with an eating disorder.

• Anorexia nervosa: the intense fear of gaining weight, restriction of food in order to manipulate weight and a distorted body image.

• Bulimia: eating an amount of food in discrete that is typically larger than what most people would eat over same period of time followed by compensatory behaviors in order to prevent weight gain. There is also a feeling that one is unable to control their eating during the episode.

• Binge eating disorder: eating an amount of food in discrete that is typically larger than what most people would eat over the same period of time. Eating more rapidly than normal, eating until feeling uncomfortably full and/or eating alone because of embarrassment of amount. There is also a feeling that one is unable to control their eating during the episode.

All the above are strongly linked to guilt and shame, which can lead to a downward spiral of distressing emotions. These emotions are often associated with a core belief that there is something wrong with him/her as a person. Common thoughts are that one does not deserve love, belonging, and support. A sociological scientist named Brené Brown has a quote about shame that I believe truly embodies what shame is. “I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore are unworthy of love and belonging- something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”

Shame, guilt, and thoughts can make it particularly difficult to support a loved one with an eating disorder in times of need. It is not uncommon for the support person to feel helpless and react in blame and anger. This reaction, though common, is not helpful in supporting a person that already feels negatively towards oneself. It is a journey for those struggling with eating disorders to work through these emotions and core beliefs. This will not change in one day and having that expectation is not realistic. Again, eating disorders are very complex. There are supportive actions that both the person with an eating disorder and the support person can do during the holidays.

Here are some different ways you can support yourself:

• Check in with yourself to raise awareness of how you may be feeling emotionally and physically.

• Tune into your thoughts, physical sensations and urges/behaviors

• Be mindful of your experience and use grounding techniques to keep you in the present moment.

• Tune into your breath as an anchor, notice your breath entering your body and leaving your body.

• Designate a “support person” that you can turn to if in need of extra help during the gathering.

• This can be more helpful if the person knows about your eating disorder.

• Plan self-care time, before and after, if possible.

• Self-care activities can include examining how actions impact your values, journaling your experience and emotions, reconnecting to your body through yoga and/or meditation, and talking with someone outside of the event about your experience.

Here are some different ways you can support someone that has told you they struggle with disordered eating:

• Check in with the person before the event to see if there is anything you can do to support them. o Let the person tell you what would be helpful for them.

• Be aware of personal emotions and expectations and be mindful of their reactions.

• Tune into your emotions by noticing physical sensations (anger is sometimes correlated with hot face and increased heart rate).

• Approach concerns with love and empathy.

• Shame thrives when approached with anger. Empathy builds connection that can help challenge beliefs and thoughts of being “flawed”.

• If possible, make holiday celebrations less focused on the food and more on socialization or an activity.

• Ideas include going to the movies, game night, crafting, book exchanges, wrapping gifts to donate to charities, or singing carols.

Holidays are a time of togetherness. Being thoughtful and considerate of those struggling can help those feel included and validated. Give these suggestions a try and have a conversation about what you can do to be supportive.

Brown, Brené shame v. guilt January 14th 2013

www.brenebrown.com